


starving

by waveydnp



Series: interactive introverts [10]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan and Phil World Tour 2018: Interactive Introverts, Introspection, M/M, Pining, Tour Bus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 12:09:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15436743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: having absolutely no privacy means phil misses dan, even when they're right next to each other





	starving

“How does my dust taste, Danny pops?”

Dan tosses his controller at Phil. “Oh fuck off, I was literally right behind you.”

“So close and yet so far,” Phil taunts, tossing the controller back. “Again?”

Dan nods. “Course.”

Phil smiles as Dan sets them up on a different track. This is nice. Really nice. He looks over at Dan, slumped down into the sofa with one ankle crossed over the other knee, the hood of his sweater pulled up over his head.

He looks tired but cozy and it kind of reminds Phil of home. It’s a different sofa crease and the telly is a lot smaller, but still. It’s them and it’s Mario Kart and it feels some kind of familiar.

He jumps a little when Marianne pokes her head in, the bubble of pseudo privacy popped in an instant. Her voice is soft and lovely as always but it sounds foreign in Phil’s ears, like it doesn’t belong in this moment. “Hungry, boys?”

“God, yes,” Dan says, putting his controller down on the sofa and stretching his arms above his head. “Starving to death.”

Marianne rolls her eyes. “Come on. We’re about to stop.” She’s gone as quickly as she’d appeared.

Phil watches Dan stand up from the couch and walk towards the door. His insides do a thing, a little twinge of disappointment.

Which makes no sense, because he’s hungry too.

-

Marianne eats at the table with them, the security guy sat off to the side on one of the sofas but still in sight. Phil is ashamed to admit that he can’t quite remember what the bloke is called. He doesn’t talk much and Phil is so terrible with names. Anyway he’s a large man, nice enough but not the sort of person Phil feels fully comfortable around.

Dan is looking at his phone as he eats fried chicken. Marianne is sat next to him, eating something much nicer looking, green and leafy and sensible, the dinner choice of a proper adult. She’s looking at her phone too.

It’s quiet. Comfortable, really, after a long meet and greet and a loud show, but Phil’s skin feels itchy, like there are still a few too many pairs of eyes on him.

-

Dan says he wants to watch a film afterwards. They make popcorn and settle in as best they can on sofas that are too small for their long bodies. Phil craves the feeling of Dan’s arm around him, but then Marianne is there too, still scrolling on her phone and not even watching the movie.

He can’t blame her. It’s not like there’s anything else to do. He wonders if Dan feels a weird tension in his shoulders too.

-

It’s late, the sky outside the windows black and starless. The only light in the darkness of these backwoods American roads comes from the headlights of passing cars and the fairy lights that frame their bunks.

Phil is stood outside the toilet, waiting his turn to wash his face and brush his teeth. There’s room enough in there for the both of them Phil reckons, but the security guy is still awake, sat at the table now and talking quietly on the phone. It’s not like he’s paying Phil any mind but he’d still notice if the two scrawny overgrown British weirdos he’s detailing made a habit of slipping into the same tiny tour bus bathroom together.

Dan steps out in his NASA cat shirt and a pair of grey sweats. He gives Phil a little smile and murmurs, “Night.”

Phil’s answering smile is flat lipped and forced. He steps out of the way for Dan to walk towards the bunks.

They don’t kiss, not even a peck. Phil thinks it’s been at least a few days since their lips touched.

“Night,” he says quietly.

-

His mouth is minty and his face smells of the sea as he climbs up to the top bunk wordlessly. Security dude is in the toilet now and Marianne has drawn the curtain across her bunk on the other side of the narrow hallway. The lights are off and everything is quiet.

Dan’s curtain is drawn too, so Phil can’t even see what he’s doing. He’s almost guaranteed to be listening to music with headphones or trolling twitter, but for some reason not knowing for sure burns Phil up inside.

He lies on his back and closes his eyes, clutching his little cactus plushy and trying to ignore the feeling of falling, trying to let the gentle rocking of the wheels beneath them lull him into unconsciousness. He’s more than a little tired, and the soft yellow glow of the fairy lights in the darkness and the quiet rumble of the bus’s engine are objectively peaceful. His pillow is fluffy, his dinosaur throw just the right thickness for comfort but not overly warm for the heat of American in the summertime.

He couldn’t really ask for a nicer bunk.

But it doesn’t change the fact that he’s sleeping alone yet again, and that he hasn’t been able to touch his boyfriend, or even really hold a private conversation with him in nearly a week.

He tries to remind himself that this tour is worth it. They’d known it wasn’t going to be easy, that they’d have to make sacrifices and endure some things they wouldn’t be thrilled about, but that it’d be worth it to give back to the people who’ve helped get them to where they are today.

And of course, to get them that much closer to buying the house.

Phil knows all too well the price of getting to live this larger than life existence he and Dan have built for themselves. He knows, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s kind of hating it right now.

He pulls his phone out from where he’s shoved it under his pillow and types out a text for Dan.

_i miss you_

He takes some satisfaction in how quickly Dan replies. _i’m right here_

He waits, but Dan doesn’t text again. _yeah._ Phil says, hoping Dan will take note of the multitude of displeasure in that full stop. It hurts a little knowing he’s feeling this more than Dan is. He shoves his phone back under his pillow defiantly.

It buzzes right under his head and he steadfastly ignores it. His throat hurts from swallowing over the lump that’s formed there, from ignoring the frustrated tears brewing just behind his eyes. He’s so tired. He just wants to sleep. Things always look better in the morning.

His phone buzzes twice more. His fingers twitch to reach for it but the indignation hasn’t yet faded and he still wants to wallow in his pettiness.

Or climb down and crawl into Dan’s bunk, but he can’t do that. There’s no way he could do it quietly enough for it to go unnoticed, and he’s not doing that in front of Mr. Nameless Beefcake Security Man. He doesn’t even want to do that in front of Marianne.

And Dan probably doesn’t even want him anyway.

A few minutes later he feels something pushing up on his back through the thin mattress. He ignores it, only for it to push harder. He continues to ignore it until it feels like Dan’s going to kick through the bloody bed.

Phil sighs exasperatedly, quiet but loud enough that everyone on the bus has probably heard it, and reaches his hand under the pillow.

 _what’s with the passive aggressive yeah_  
are you upset?  
phil

He stares at Dan’s words and tries to decide if it’s worth getting into.

It probably isn’t. There’s nothing to be done anyway. _just tired i guess. gonna try to sleep now_

_k goodnight ily_

For some reason that just makes him feel worse. Dan is right there, right bloody there not two feet below him and Phil can’t even kiss him goodnight.

_love you too_

-

An hour later he’s still painfully awake and all out of resolve to keep his anxieties to himself. _you asleep?_ The caring partner half of his brain hopes Dan doesn’t answer, hopes he’s getting a good night’s sleep so he’ll be rested in the morning and less likely to make himself vulnerable to feeling low.

The other half is relieved when Dan texts back _not yet_

 _you should be_ Phil says

_so should you_

_i tried. still can’t sleep when the bus is moving. what’s your excuse_

_i’m me?_ Dan texts.

_good point_

Phil puts his phone down on his chest and closes his eyes again. If he can’t sleep and he can’t crawl into Dan’s arms, he’s glad he can at least have this.

 _do you wanna tell me why you’re being weird_ Dan texts.

_i did_

_you miss me?_

_yeah_ Phil replies, suddenly feeling a little silly. He adds _just feels like there are always people around lately idk_

 _yeah_  
_there are_  
 _this is the hard stretch_  
 _we knew that going in_

Phil sighs quietly to himself. It’s true, they’d know all along that the second half of the US leg would be gruelling, with only a handful of days off and too many overnights on the bus. He’d been aware of this, but that doesn’t make it suck any less.

_i just feel a bit lonely i guess idk  
hate sleeping alone_

_you’re not really alone i’m right underneath you_ Dan texts.

_right  
but you know what i mean_

_yeah i do_  
_and i miss you too_  
 _and we should sleep_

 _i don’t know if i can_ Phil texts.  
_i wish i could sleep with you_

_soon bb  
still wanna film tmrw?_

_yeah_ Phil answers. He’s trying not to let it upset him that Dan seems kind of fine with the particular brand of distance they’re experiencing at the moment. Logically he knows it has nothing to do with loving Dan more than Dan loves him.

Dan loves him. That’s never in question.

But maybe Dan doesn’t feel quite so intensely the need to touch Phil as Phil does the need to touch Dan. Maybe Dan is happy as long as they can see each other and be around each other, knowing the touching will happen again eventually.

Maybe Dan is just more patient than Phil.

He sighs. Again. Maybe Dan is just better at being an adult. _sounds good. gonna try to sleep_

 _me too_  
_night_  
 _ <3_

-

Dan’s body is pressed tight to Phil’s, from shoulder all the way down to foot as they sit crammed into a space meant for one with the tripod balanced precariously on the small table in front of them. It’s more contact than they’ve had in days and it’s nice in a way, Phil supposes.

Even though they have to keep making forced jokes about it to an audience that isn’t even really there yet. And even though Phil’s stomach is growling because they’re working through lunch to take advantage of the parked, empty bus while the crew eats. And even though said crew could theoretically be back at any moment.

The benign threat of intrusion weighs on Phil more heavily than it should. They’re not even doing anything private. They’re just filming a video.

Phil just wants a moment that belongs to him and Dan and no one else, and this feels like a torturous in-between.

He places his hand on Dan’s thigh under the table anyway, because he can and he wants to. Dan gives him a little look, an infinitesimal quirk of his eyebrow. Phil squeezes hard and carries on with the video.

Marianne appears just as they’re turning off the camera, bearing enough food to distract Phil from his frustrations.

-

“Do you want a photo?” Dan asks the hundredth excited fan they’ve met and greeted today, his smile plastered on but still somehow warm and inviting.

“Could I— maybe could I get one of just the two of you?” She is timid but determined and Phil’s chest tightens painfully. His eyes flick over to Dan’s who looks at him and gives the tiniest of shrugs.

So Phil returns the gesture with a tiny nod and steps in closer to him. The girl takes a few steps back and holds up her phone.

Dan wraps his arm low around Phil’s back like it’s nothing, even going so far as to hook his fingers around Phil’s waist. Every nerve ending in Phil’s body feels frayed. His arm wraps around Dan’s back, his hand coming to rest on Dan’s shoulder.

He can feel all the eyes in the room burning a hole in his skin, and all the eyes of people across the internet who will see the burst of photos the girl snaps in the two seconds Phil keeps his arm in place before dropping it and stepping away. Dan giggles in that way he does when he’s uncomfortable but trying not to let it show and thanks the girl for coming to see them.

Phil smiles too, and even he can feel the stiffness of it, the lack of sincerity.

He should be used to this by now. It’s not the first time they’ve posed like that on this tour and surely it won’t be the last. He doesn’t really mind it anymore, truth be told. But today. Today it feels like he’s being taunted by a higher power with a flair for irony.

-

The second the dressing room door is closed Phil pulls Dan in close and crushes him to his chest. They don’t really have time for this, they need to get changed and start prepping for the show, but at this point Phil considers a lengthy embrace with his partner a necessity for getting through two hours of high energy theatricality.

He squeezes around Dan’s shoulders and buries his face in between Dan’s neck and the hood of his jumper. Dan’s arms close around Phil’s lower back. He’s not gripping Phil as desperately as Phil is gripping him but Phil’s glad. It’s deeply comforting to know that he can be a mess right now, just for a minute and Dan is there to keep him from falling apart.

“I’m tired,” he mumbles against Dan’s skin.

“I know.”

Phil pulls his head back to look at Dan’s face without the need to keep a respectable distance or restrain himself from looking for too long. Dan’s eyes look tired too. He leans in and kisses Phil’s lips softly.

“I’ve been missing you too. You know that don’t you?”

Phil answers with more kissing. Eventually Dan has to chuckle against Phil’s mouth and push him away gently. “We have to get ready.”

Phil pouts but lets him go, because Dan’s right, they have a show to put on. He can hear it in the distance, the sound of thousands of feet making their way into the theatre.

He feels a little surge of adrenaline then, like he always does. He may be tired and craving Dan like he’s starving, but this part hasn’t stopped being exciting. He hopes it never will.

There’s a knock on the door and Marianne’s voice. “Twenty minutes, boys.” Dan’s already got his hoodie off in the corner of the room.

“How many more nights on the bus?” Phil asks, want prickling under his skin as he watches Dan pull his white shirt down over his bare chest.

“Two.”

“ _Too_ many,” Phil jokes, perhaps to mask the mild panic that grips him at the thought of two more sleepless, Danless nights.

“Ayy.”

He sets about pulling his own hoodie off and buttoning up his shirt, but he hasn’t stopped staring at Dan the entire time. “Can we make out again at the interval?” he asks.

“Yeah, of course. Mario Kart tonight?”

Phil nods. “And pizza. I want pizza.” Dan smiles.

They’ll be ok. This too shall pass, and before Phil knows it they’ll be home again and he’ll think back on this night and wonder what the hell he was getting so worked up about. For now he’ll just have to make their stolen kisses count.


End file.
